On the 29th of January, my elder sister told me that my brother had a dream. In the dream, my sister was begging him to ask me to stop crying and worrying about her.
I just said okay. The only reason I didn’t burst into tears was because I was already on my way to work. Inside my head, I knew that wasn’t going to be possible, at least not during this period. Every single day in February is a reminder of the events that led to her death: the series of calls we made, the pain she went through, the plans we had. Bru, even when I want to be strong, something will just remind me, it’s February. Between February and March, I don’t know which month holds most of my anxiety, but my heart races so fast during these months.
So back to the reason I opened my journal.
I started feeling anxious and hurt since the 26th of January, even before the dream came. I prayed, fasted, and endlessly hoped it would go away. I have been feeling a heaviness in my heart and a presence around me. On Sunday morning (08/02), I woke up around 4 a.m.
That was too early to start preparing for church. I struggled between praying and going back to sleep. I slept off, and I saw her in my dream—oh my Ima 😢. It was a lengthy dream, but she was in it.
When I woke up, it was already 6:00 a.m. I didn’t have time to process the dream; I just hurriedly left for church. In the evening, I felt that strong presence again—crazy!—and I knew I wasn’t alone. I was streaming the Koinonia service and just prayed along with it.
Today, being Monday, I had another dream. I was crying, worried, and upset about her death. Bru, it’s almost four years. I thought I was healed. I woke up and decided to just be honest with God—tell Him how I feel. I opened my Bible app, and the guided scripture for the day was Psalm 94:19 (NKJV):
“In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul.”
I knew this was the verse I needed. I decided to open my Bible app again, and behold, Psalm 94 was the last chapter I had opened.
I don’t know exactly when, but God gave me that chapter long ago. I then used the Modern English Version in my hardcopy Bible to read the entire Psalm 94. GOD!! I found a word. I found comfort. I found hope. I think I may have found healing. Look at what verses 17 and 18 say.
Today is not just a reminder of how much God loves me; it’s a confirmation of His word: “He is close to the broken and will never leave the fainthearted.”
I just love how God is concerned about my feelings—my hurt and my healing.
Today, I’ll start afresh. I’ll trust God for total healing, if that’s possible.
There’s always a word for every season.
DON’T DO A SEASON WITHOUT GOD.
#yimzy
